The Scottish Holiday
[Verse]
So you think you re gaein tae the north to spend a holiday,
cause you re vaguely Scottish on your mither s side,
and you ve heard of ancient glories, both renowned in song and story,
kilts and haggis, Andy Stewart and the Clyde.
[Verse]
Ye go up by Crianlarich, it s the gateway to the north,
and the scenery will please your eyes, I m sure.
Ye take oot your picnic basket cause the car has blown a gasket
in the middle o a place called Rannoch Moor.
[Verse]
So you telephone the garage listed in the tourist guide,
that was published for you by the R.A.C.,
but by design, or by intention, or, they just forget to mention
that the garage closes doon for half past three.
[Verse]
So you re towed behind this tractor tae a corrugated shed
that s surrounded by farm implements and carts,
and you scratch your head and wonder why you ever bought a Honda,
cause they ll have to send to Tokyo for the parts.
[Verse]
So you board the train for Oban and you get the boat to Mull
feeling like you ve had a night upon the tiles,
ye pay twenty pence for coffee with a tang o diesel oil,
your experience in the swindle o the isles.
[Verse]
But your pulse begins to quicken at the thought of berry-pickin ,
so you take a trip to Gowrie for a spell,
wi some wellies o your mothers that she bought in Ali Brothers,
and a Gideon bible pinched frae yer hotel.
[Verse]
So you re standing picking rasps being stung to death by wasps,
the midges and the cleggs are making free,
and the bairns have ate the berries and contracted dysentery,
cause last week they sprayed the crop with DDT.
[Verse]
So you re headin back to Birmingham more waterlogged than tanned,
but no signs of habitation can you see,
when you thought you were in Berwick you were actually in Lerwick,
Cause some vandal changed the signpost in Dundee
