Albuquerque

Weird Al Yankovic

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Running With Scissors (1999)
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Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
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stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the
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street from Jerry?s Bait Shop? You know the place? Well anyway, back then
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life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy? except of course
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for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me
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a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Daaaaaaaouh! Big bowl of
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sauerkraut!
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D|---------------| Every single morning! It was driving me crazy. I said to
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my mom, I said, ?Hey mom, what?s up with all the sauerkraut?? And my dear
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sweet mother she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train.
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And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, ?It?s good for you!?
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And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
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and force|-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half
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years old. That?s when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of
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that basement and travel to a magical far away place where the sun is
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always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are
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oh so fluffy, where the shriners and the lepers play their ukulele?s all
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day long and anyone on the street?ll gladly shave you?re back for a
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nickel. Wakawakadoodoo yah! Well let me tell you people, that it wasn?t
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long at all before my dream came true because the very next day a local
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radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number
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of molecules in Leonard Neroy?s butt. I was off by three but I still won
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the grand prize. That?s right a first class one|-way ticket, to
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A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Ah yah, you know I never
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been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell ya it was really great.
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Except that I had to ist between two large Albanian women with
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excruciatingly severe body odour and the little kid in back of me kept
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throwing up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper
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and salted peanuts and the in flight movie was "Biodome" with Polly Shore.
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And oh yah three of the airplane's engines burned down and we went into a
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tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant
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fireball and everybody died! Except for me. You know why? ?Cause I had my
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train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my
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train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my
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train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position. Ah ha ha
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ha! Oh ha ha! Ahhhh. So I crawled from the twisted burnin? wreckage, I
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crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, dragging along my big
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leather suitcase, and my garment bag, and my tenor saxophone, and my
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twelve|-pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed glow in the dark
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snorkel. But finally a arrived at the world famous ?Albuquerque Holiday
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Inn?, where the towels are oh so fluffy, and you could eat you?re soup
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right out of the ashtrays if you wanna, it?s OK their clean. Well I
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checked into my room and I turned down the AC and I turned on the spectro
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vision and I was just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
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that I love so very very much when suddenly there?s a knock on the door.

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Well now who could that be? I say, ?who is it?? No answer. ?Who is it??
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There?s no answer. ?Who is it!?? They?re not saying anything, so finally I
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go over and I open the door and just as I suspected, it?s some big fat
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hermaphrodite with a flock of seagull?s haircut and only one nostril. Oh
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man I hate it when I?m right. So anyway he burst into my room and grabbes

my lucky snorkel and I?m like ?hey, you can?t have that! That snorkel has
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been just like a snorkel to me.? And he?s like ?tough? And I?m like ?give
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it.? And he?s like ?make me.? And I?m like ?k.? So I grabbed his leg and
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he grabbed my oesophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my
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eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a valonic irrigation
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yes indeed you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all the
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phone got knocked off the hook, and twenty seconds later I heard a
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familiar voice, and you know what it said, I?ll tell you what it said, it
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said, ?if you?d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you
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need help hang up and then dial you?re operator. If you?d like to make a
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call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and then dial
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you?re operator. In A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Well
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to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn
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vow right then and there that I would rest, I would not sleep for an
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instant until the one|-nostriled man was brought to justice. But first I
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decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and drove over to the donut
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shop and I walked right up to the guy behind the counter and he says ?yah,

wadaya want??
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I said, ? you got any glazed donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of
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glazed donuts.? I said, ?well you got any jelly donuts?? He said, ?naaa
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were all out of jelly donuts.? I said, ?you got any Bavarian cream-filled
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donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts.? I

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said, ?you got any cinnamon rolls?? He said, ?naaa were all out of
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cinnamon rolls.? I said, ?you got any apple fritters!?? He said, ?naaa
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were out of apple fritters.? I said, ?you got any bear claws!!?? He said,

?wait a minute, I?ll go check.

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Naaa were out of bear claws.? I said, ?well in that case, in that case
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what do you have?? He said, ?all I?ve got right now is this box of one
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dozen starving crazed weasels.?G------| I said, ?OK I?ll take that.? So he
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hands over the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they
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immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over ayiyi
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yiyiyiyi. Oh, oh man they were just going nuts! Their terin? me apart. You
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know I think it was just about that time that little ditty started goin?
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through my head. I believe it went a little something like this.
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?Doooohgetemoffmegettemoffmeooogetemoffgettemoffoooohgetoooohgeooohoooahhh
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hohhhiahhooohahahahhhohhhhh!? I ran out onto the street with these flesh
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eating weasels all over my face, waiving my arms all around and just
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runnin? and runnin? and runnin? like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck
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would have it, that?s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams, her
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name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite
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and hair the colour of strange peaches. I?ll never forget the very first
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thing she said to me, she said, ?hey, you got weasels on your face.?

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That?s when I knew it was true love, we were inseparable after that, oh we
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ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-
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flavoured dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married and
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we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and
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Superfly. Oh we were so very very very happy, oh ya. But then one fateful

night Zelda said to me, she said, ?Sweetie|-pumpkin, do you want to join
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the Columbia Record Club?? I said, ?Wooooah hold on now baby, I?m
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just not ready for that kind of a commitment.? So we broke up and I never
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saw her again but that?s just the way things go, . In A -
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lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque!

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Anyway then things really started looking up for me, because about a week
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later I finally achieved my life|-long dream. That?s right I got me a part
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time job at the ?Sizzler.? I even made employee|-of-the|-month after I put
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out that grease|-fire with my face. Oh ya everyone was pretty jealous of me
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after that. I was getting lota attitude. OK like one time, I was out in
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the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when
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I see this guy Marty tryin? to carry a big old sofa up the stairs all by
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himself. So I-I say to him, I say, ?hey, you want me to help you with
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that? And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes, ?nooooo I want you to cut
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off my arms and legs with a chain saw.? So I did. And then he gets all
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indignant on me, he?s like, ?hey mad I was just being sarcastic.? Well
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that?s just great, how was I supposed to know that? I?m not a mind reader
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for crying out loud. Besides now he?s got a really cute nickname ?Torso

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Boy?. D|-------------------------------------------------------15-| So
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what?s he complaining about? Say that reminds me of another amusing
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anecdote; this guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn?t had
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a bite in three days. Well I knew what he meant but just to be funny I
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took a big bite out of his jugular vein, and he?s yelling and screaming
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and bleeding all over and I?m like, ?hey come on don?t you get it?? But he
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just kept rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming, YAHHHH!
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OHHHH! AHHHH! And I?m completely missing the irony of the whole situation,
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man some people just can?t take a joke you know? Anyway, um? um? where was
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I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Oh, uh, well oh okay anyway I know it?s
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a roundabout way of saying it but I guess the whole point I?m trying to
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make is, I, HATE, SAURKROUT! That?s all I?m really trying to say, and by
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the way if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an
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exsulstential quandary full of woeing and self doubt and wrapped with the
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pain and isolation of you?re pitiful meaningless existence, at least even
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take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this
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crazy old mixed up universe of ours, there?s still a little place, called
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A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
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Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
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Albuquerque, I say A, A, L, L, B, B, U, U? QUERQUE! QUERQUE!
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Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
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Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
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Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
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Albuquerque, Albuquerque,

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